Life begins…….. in Grief

One month into my life ‘beginning at 35’, the life of my 18 year old brother tragically ended.

There is nothing such as death to make everything else in life seem small and insignificant. A spotlight highlighting our fickle, self-obsessive desires. Our ambitions seems a futile grasp of vanity. As the black cloud of grief wraps itself around the soul, as the fog creeps into the mind, dreams become a distant gut-wrenching heartache. They mean nothing.

It is through death that we get one of the most telling signs of the equality of the human psyche. The ‘Five Stages of Grief’ is a universal experience, people from all walks-of-life go through the exact same emotional checklist.

The first stage is DENIAL and is immediate. Upon hearing the ‘news’, life continues as normal, if only for a short time. The mind doesn’t know what to think as you search for the logic in the emotional upheaval that you know is about to happen.

ANGER comes next, usually in the form of tears and anguish. An invisible sword slices the solar plexus and the stomach twists and turns into knots.

The third stage is GUILT, the should’a-would’a-could’a that will never get you anywhere. This is the most dangerous of the stages as it is this that sets the tone for the fourth stage:

DEPRESSION. How low can you go? The fourth and hardest stage to escape. The length of this fourth emotional period is completely dependent on the person and the inner work that they are prepared to do. There is a lot to be learned about oneself in this stage, not all of it, if any of it, good. Many people never leave the fourth stage, their souls floating in limbo whilst they numb any possible progress with antidepressants, hiding the emotion but not getting to the core. Those that allow themselves to FEEL the sadness, the loss, FEEL the raw emotion and be one with it, are usually the ones to move on the the final stage.

ACCEPTANCE. Eventually, after being at one with your emotions, the anxiety and panic attacks subside. The fog begins to clear and the black cloud slowly loosens its grip on your soul.  Things begin to look a little brighter and your suppressed desires start evolving into the dreams that once occupied your world, like a former flatmate returning home from a 6 month sabbatical. Old friends that have been on a journey in rough terrain only to return scarred, yes, but also a little older, a lot wiser and much much stronger, ready to tackle whatever life throws at them……together.

RRx

“It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live.”

― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

FEARS, FAILURES & FCUK ITS……

I learned quite early on about the relationship between two of the three ‘f’s. Coming from an entertainment background, with dancing competitions and castings every week, every audition brought another fear; every time I was turned down, another failure and after every tantrum and/or river of tears, I said fcuk it….. or something along those lines. This would have been great if I’d just left it there and started again but each failure left an indent in my soul, a feeling that I was not good enough, pretty enough, I was too tall! They created more and more fears. I hadn’t understood ‘fcuk it’ then….. I was scarred. At the time, I associated these feelings of rejection solely with my performance skills and physical attributes, not realising that ‘Fear’ and ‘Failure’ and even ‘Fear of Failure’ would be an ongoing theme in and throughout every aspect of my life. Like the circle of life they have revolved, one leading to the other, to the other… until I learned the true meaning of ‘fcuk it.’

Fear

Fear is always spoken about in a negative context, ‘we should not live with fear’, ‘fear makes us cowards’, and so on and so forth. Actually, fear is a survival instinct and is within us for that purpose. Back in the caveman days, it would be our fear instinct that would alert us to run from danger, animals,to not to jump off the edge of a cliff. These days, however, with so much more information for our amazing brains to cope with, we have more fear. Fears of how the bills will be paid, how you will get into work, who will look after the kids whilst you work overtime and fear of bailiffs knocking your door for unpaid taxes are artificial within our human psyches.

Fears can be the fire to the soul or the water to the fire, whichever you allow it to be. Everyone feels fear, it’s what you do with it that matters. Fight or flight. Every day, people all over the world combat their fears head on. Take people who bungee jump or jump out of airplanes, I’m sure some of you have done this. The adrenalin is created by their fear and once it’s completed a feeling of elation takes over. You are no longer afraid of it because you have already overcome it. Nothing is ever as bad as we think. (Recommended Reading)…

 

There are people, however, who let their fears take over their lives completely. Afraid to leave the house, to talk to people, to do anything. The fear will eat them up if left to fester, creating more and more fear until the fire is completely put out and it will take longer to reignite. But it can and always will be reignited, when the time is right.

It is important to remember that your feelings of ‘fear’ are all in the mind. The human brain is the most complex organ on this whole planet which I truly believe that can do amazing things once mastered. But learning to control it is another matter and ironically the best way to start tapping into your mind is to start emptying it. By going ahead with whatever it is your afraid of, you eradicate that fear. How can you be afraid of something that you have already done? Fear is always focussed on the future, you can not fear the past.

Failure

Failure, on the other hand, is focussed on the past. How can you fail at something you haven’t yet tried? You can fear failure, but that just brings us back to the point above, learning to control your mind.

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”
― Thomas A. Edison

‘Failure’ depends on perception. Every ‘failure’ is another lesson learned. There is always a reason behind every failure. It may be so that you go away and try again at a later date or it may be that you are walking down the wrong path completely and have to set off in a new direction. All will be revealed, when the time is right.

The only way to know what, this ‘failure’ or ‘lesson’ is trying to teach is to connect with yourself, to centre yourself with deep breaths and meditation. Once you have cleared your mind of your fears and worry of past failures, you will know what to do. This practise and realignment with who you really are will then bring the next phase…

FCUK IT

‘Fcuk it’, for want of a better word, can be described as forgiveness, bringing us back to the present moment.  The forgiveness of yourself is the greatest skill to master. All too often, we beat ourselves up, sinking into a state of depression as we painstakingly agonise over our last rejection/disappointment. Does it really matter if you didn’t get that job/man/house? A bit of disappointment is good for the soul, keeps us grounded. You are still the same person whether you are wearing THAT dress or driving THAT car or not…..

‘Fcuk it’ is the realisation that you are as you should be. Everything is as it should be and acceptance that there is a reason for everything that is out of our control.

Forgiveness is acceptance and the release of negative energies, emptying the heart in order for the magic of the universe to work through you.  It also the realisation that nothing matters. The argument you had with your friend last week, are you still holding the anger and resentment? Really, does it really matter? Fcuk it!

PEACE AND ONE LOVE

RRx